Determination Smiles

Last night while climbing into bed Miles looked at me and said, "Dad, will you pull my tooth out?" I checked it and on a scale of 1 being barely loose and 10 being out, he was about a 4. I explained that I didn't think it was ready but he didn't flinch, "Dad, pull it out."

First pull was a stinger, he laughed from the pain but more out of of excitement. When he felt that it was still in, he willingly opened for another tug. I started giggling too because of his reaction to the conflicting emotions: determination, pain, and excitement. Round 2, nada, not even blood. We had some work to do and were both in a full blown laugh-fest.

I'm not sure how many shots we took at it but it did eventually come out. I haven't seen Miles so proud and excited, me too. He faced the pain head on, laughed a little along the way and celebrated his victory. Pretty good recipe for us all to follow. Here's my little man...

Joe Schmo

I'm embarrassed to admit that I recently DVR'ed the Joe Schmo Show.  I have a fascination with watching what people will do when no one is watching.  Another show that is probably more acceptable is "What would you do?" with John Quinones.  Back to Schmo... now the Joe knows he's being recorded but he doesn't know that everyone else involved with the show is in on a secret.  They are all testing and pushing him to see what he's really made of and this Joe was legit.

The producers and actors presented the Joe with scenarios involving temptations around greed, lust, selfishness, testing integrity, facing fear. And every, EVERY time, he was as solid as an oak tree.  Why a tree and not a rock you ask? A rock is lifeless, it just sits there. Where as a tree grows, moves and has life.  The Joe wasn't a robot, he didn't just go through the motions of doing the right thing, he was full of emotions.  He struggled, he laughed {at himself mostly}, he battled, got angry and lastly got overwhelmed.  When they revealed the secret, he wept.  I think it was because in that moment he knew he passed the test. He knew that his core was strong AND real because it was there when he didn't know it was being watched.

I have a perpetual fear / insecurity of being found out as a fraud.  As hard as I try to live my life "right" (whatever that means), I can't stop worrying about a day I'm presented with a test and fail publicly.  Don't get me wrong, I know we all "fail" more than we succeed, but I want to be more comfortable in that.  I want realistic expectations of what "right" means.  And as crazy as this is going to sound, I got a little more clarity from the Joe, Chase Rogan, an every day average Schmo who just so happens to have a strong core worth making a show about... pretty impressive, not too shabby.

Competitive Determination

The problem with having children is that they are just all so different.  The minute you think you have some parenting thing figured out, one of them goes off and has their own unique personality.  Enter the difference between Lily and Miles.  Lily has emotional intelligence off the charts, Miles not so much.  Miles has a competitive determination, Lily no speaka that language.

We recently realized this in a very real and important way. You see, we couldn't understand why Miles was so blase when he did something wrong.  He literally ignores all social queue's that we were upset or disappointed. So after Miles told a nice, big, fat lie at school, we put our realizations to the test.  I was going to be overt and purposefully over the top (what's not normal about that right) with my disappointment.  My queue's were going to be unmistakable and consistent.  Julie was going to be Jiminy Cricket in his ear, telling him what she sees and what he should do about it.  I'm still in awe at the thought of this, but it turned out to be a huge step in the right direction (probably for me more than him).

The first day after the big, fat lie, Miles was being extra nice to me despite my furrowed brow and silence.  He would snuggle up to me, kiss me, make jokes and acted like nothing was wrong. I finally gave him a verbal warning that I'm still very upset.  He slunk down physically and emotionally, Julie was there to coach him.  After a few moments he came to me and started babbling his way through an apology.  I told him that I wasn't ready and that I wanted him to think more about what he has done and wants to say.

Sure enough the next morning, Miles had forgotten all about the situation he was in and went back to trying to kill me with kindness.  Again, my queues were ignored only this time Julie reminded him.  I expressed disappointment that he had forgotten what I asked of him and he slunk down. Again, Julie was there to explain what was going on and spent the day talking it through with him and prepping him for my return from work.

That night when I walked in the girls ran up to me like they always do and Miles kept his distance.  He approached me after a couple of minutes and asked to talk to me in private.  We went up to his room, I sat on his bed and stood in front of me.  He took a deep breath, looked me straight in the eyes and began the first genuine, honest, heart felt apology of his 6 year life.  It took everything I had to not smile with pride, hug him and congratulate him.  Instead, I told him that I really appreciated his apology, that I forgave him and looked forward to building trust with him. One brick at a time.

Miles doesn't quit, he figures stuff out, even emotional shit like this.  From the day we got him, this is just who he is.  A friend was over at the house and explained how there was this magnet game at the last classroom birthday party that no one could figure out.  All the kids had attempted and quit because it was too hard.  She explained how Miles worked on it for 45 minutes, moving a step ladder side to side the whole time.  There was another time I personally watched him climb a giant 20 foot spider web thing-a-ma-jig that had multiple layers of nylon straps crisscrossing. There were only big kids (10+) playing on it because they could leverage their height to be in multiple layers at once. Miles on the other hand being shorter, figured out a strategy of his own by using the outside netting as leverage.  After taking 5 times longer than anyone else, he finally made it to the top sweaty as can be, slid down the slide, gave me a high five and went onto the next challenge.

Thank you Miles for showing me who you are and letting us help you work on the things you aren't. I only wish I had your competitive determination. You are going to change the world one day, I just know it.

Little, Brown, And Proud Of It

Today I asked Lily and Miles to stand back to back. He passed her up, he hit some crazy growth spurt and probably won't look back. Miles celebrated and Lily congratulated. She explained to me how she always knew she'd be small and really likes it. Her words were genuine and honest, they pretty much always are. Here's more validation why I know this for sure...

Friday night she had a "half over" where kids hang out until bed time and then go home. When I picked her up, she showed me a picture her friend had given her but had some perspective to add. She explained that her friends printer was running out of ink and that is why she looks "different". Not really sure what she was talking about, I asked her elaborate. She pointed out how the skin of all 4 girls in the picture looked the same. Fuxinating. I smiled and joked that is what she would look like if she looked like me and she replied, "yuck, I love my brown skin." To which I sincerely and truthfully replied, "yeah, me too."

The sense of self this 7 year old has is baffling. She already knows who she is and isn't. And if that isn't enough, she loves what she knows. I don't know if this is normal for now and eventually she'll end up doubting and loathing like the rest of us, but it sure is inspiring. She helps me be more courageous everyday. It's why one of my core beliefs in life as a parent is to first be a student of your children, then a teacher. Thanks again for showing me the way little child.

Bad words...

Lily and I write in a Daily Happiness Journal every night. It's been a really good small little discipline to think about one thing from the day that made us happy. Tonight she wrote, (and I first quote, "Daddy this is going to make you cry.") "I went to dinner with my Dad's Mommy and Daddy." I wrote, "So cool!" (making the two "o's" into the eyes of a smily face.)

She then told me about how some kids at school laugh when the word "class" is spelled because of the word "ass" in it. I was now smiling for real and asked, "what's ass mean?" Lily said "butt" while maintaining a straight face. She expanded stating that any word containing "ass" like grass, mass, sassafras makes the kids giggle.

I asked what other "bad" words she knows... stupid, hate, kill, dumb came out quick. Imagine that, those are what she considers bad. What the fuck happened to me that those words lost their "badness"? How different would our world be if those were in fact words we bleeped out on TV shows? Children (especially mine :-) have an uncanny way of putting things into perspective.

Here's my separate Happiness Journal entry:
Today I'm humbled by the wisdom of my 7 year old. She makes me a better person each and every day.

Unbearable and Supernatural

Friday was one for the books. A dear friend of mine came to share some serious magic shit with me. While we've only known each other for some 7 years, we've grown up together.

I met this person early in my professional career. I was SO young and naive and unclear and... not a leader of myself first and foremost. We went through a lot of shit together and alone. We built each other up and tore each other down. We agreed to be truth tellers and sought for that truth to come from love but it wasn't always that easy, that's where the depth of our friendship came. Truth hurts AND it sets you free, poison and wine.

Near the end of our day to day time together, things got really tough. We'd both realized one of our paths needed to change. This was not the easy choice, doing the right thing usually isn't. It would have been so much easier, and even probably been 'OK', had we not done anything at all. But that is not what either of us want for ourselves and each other. We want purpose, happiness, fulfillment, joy... and the truth was, making the decision to go after that was one of the hardest things I've had to do in my professional career.

That is until Friday when it came full circle and I saw first hand how the choice to face your fear can bring a new life. Words couldn't begin to describe the energy and change that happened in a little over a month. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but then again it felt perfect and right. My friend changed their life, grabbed the chronic pain by the throat and said "enough". My friend came to officially say goodbye but ended up leaving a lifelong lasting mark on my soul. The pain involved in facing your shit is unbearable and the courage is supernatural. I got a front row seat at this fellow builders journey and for that I will be forever grateful.

Thank you my friend and good luck. Don't stop believing that this life can give you more than we deserve and you deserve every bit of it.

Today I learned... a lot

Today I am beat, a good tired and a hard tired. I started my day with a visit to my brain mechanic for a tune up. I had been on a pretty strict weekly maintenance schedule with him for about 3 years, but this holiday got away from me and not regularly getting together definitely caught up to me. I need this discipline in my life because without it my brain will short out.

Today I learned that I have so much work to do on myself. AND that it can be depressing if my perception of that work is off: ie. I am weak or not right in the head or don't need it. Nope, I am me in all my glory, a beautiful ruin. I am not a man who wants to stand alone but have been hurt most when standing with the wrong others. Consequently, I've found confidants in my wife, a couple of brain mechanics, my brothers and my kids. They have taught me how to trust again. They are the ones who show up with me at the "gym" every time I don't want to "work out". Today, I was reminded that I need them, and a couple more, period.

Today, I was reminded how, much like working out regularly, the hard work is nothing compared to the benefits. Today, I was reminded that this path of facing your shit is the harder path, it won't be easy or fun, but it is the path a person who wants to live a life fully awake with purpose takes. If I want that, I choose the pain.

Then, if that wasn't enough to take in before 8:00am, I worked with the crazy architect and crazy furniture people to continue rinsing the plans for the new facility. I can't believe how much better it gets every time we continue going over the same things. Unbelievably exhausting but again, just the drill if you are committed to process.

I came home early to give my last nugget of energy to my family and what I got instead was the most pure love a person could ever receive. No ulterior motive, no expectations, no conditions, just them, all of them. Their presence, support, smile, hugs, kisses, laughter, play - I sniffed it in like it was the sweetest perform I've ever smelt, deep long breathes with my eyes closed.

Fruxtrations and Perfiction

Frustration is a funny thing, perhaps I should call it fruxtration. I wiki'ed "frustration" and found this:

"In psychology, frustration is a common emotional response to opposition. Related to anger and disappointment, it arises from the perceived resistance to the fulfillment of individual will. The greater the obstruction, and the greater the will, the more the frustration is likely to be."

Did you see it? There is one word that should free us all from being frustrated. It's right there in black and white and I tend to forget it more than I remember (which is why I'm writing about it :-). Ready for it? THIS IS HUGE...

perceived

Now go back and reread the wiki quote and key in on that word. Whats it say? Whats it mean? Frustration comes when there is a perception that something will stand in the way of the things we want. I generally recognize other people's perception as their reality. But my perception is something I can control if I continually challenge it. Most of the time when I have done this, I've found there was no real obstruction to the fulfillment of my will.

Remember David, frustration comes from fear, fear that someone or something is standing in your way. The way past fear is to face it. Go right into it and validate that facts from the perfiction.

Crazy train leaving the station

I'm involved in a crazy movement with some crazy people and its one of the most exhilarating projects I've been on in a long time. Last week a lease was signed. This lease represents so much... stability, belief, support and most importantly opportunity.

We've been doing our eComm thing for over a decade. We've gone from a few to a lot and now we are trying to become ONE. One group of distinct individuals who are deeply connected to the same goal: servicing customers with passion and purpose. That's it, but that's a lot when the one group is nearing 200 people.

I deeply believe the physical place we work in can be a catalyst for greatness. This belief was seared into me after I took at trip to Grand Rapids where some furniture people showed me the way. They opened my eyes to a concept that was unfamiliar prior to the trip. Imagine that, at 39 years young, I'm still learning. God I hope that never stops. They turn the cube space concept on its head.

We normally build space for people that gives them everything they "need" in about 150 square feet. By doing that we are encouraging / promoting sedentaryism. This furniture company says give up a little of the "me" space for more "we" space, right up my alley. Regardless of what job you do, people all work differently. You can't possibly be all things to all people in 150 square feet.

So we are close to unlocking a whole new way with the help of a crazy architect who thinks in ways I dream. We have some crazy furniture people who hold the execution key. We have some crazy senior leaders who have embraced and are committed to change. We have some crazy people who have history with us and are moving the day to day. And we have me and Kevin, two crazy brothers who want to give a gift to everyone that enables their passion and purpose. That's it, but that's a lot.

5 Things I Learned in Flo-Rida

I learned some really good stuff this past week during my trip to Florida for work.

1) I have to continue to lean against my tendency to not want to participate in the social side of work. There is so much value in having fun with people outside of the day to day. It builds a shared positive memory that connects you to something personal. It levels the playing field of who's who and what you do down to who you are and more importantly why you are.

2) Being given the mic is a serious responsibility and opportunity not to be taken lightly. I've gotten less nervous and more comfortable over the years through lots of practice being in these situations. Anytime you have a captive audience, even if only for a short moment in time, their time is a gift they are giving you, be purposeful with it.

3) I stink at beach Olympics. When it comes to sports, I've typically been a leader as a player, so when I find myself on a team of any kind, that side of me kicks in. However when it comes to work, my tendency as a leader is to try and optimize things which in the wrong situations, and without checks and balances, turns into over-thinking. I'm pretty sure I singlehandedly sabotaged a couple of events by coming up with outlandish ways to try and complete the challenge instead of just doing the task at hand. It would be equivalent to doing the 100 yard hurdle relay and I recommend that we dive head first over the hurdles and roll through the fall to keep momentum going. My brain desperately wants to find a better way and that has to be something I'm more aware and in control of because it can take something very easy and complicate it to the point of ridiculousness.

4) A lone nut can start a movement:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hO8MwBZl-Vc

5) It's the COuRagE it takes to "dance" like no one is watching that people connect with. Being good at it is definitely not required.

Night-time Ninja Battle...

I've recently learned something fuxinatingly wonderful from my son. Two weeks ago, I found a night light that has a green and blue setting. These two colors matter to him because he's really into a show (Ninjago) where his favorite characters are Jay (blue ninja) and Lloyd (green ninja). So I got the idea to put it in his room and let him pick what color ninja he wants to fall asleep to.

The first night he picked green because LLoyd is his favorite and the most powerful ninja. The second night he switched to blue but decided to put his little Lego ninja characters right by the light. So after he went to bed I decided to switch the light to green and knock Jay off the ledge. The next morning, no comment, nothing. The third night he turned the light to green but this time he brought more of the ninja characters to the "party", Cole (black), Kai (red), Zane (white). That night I stood Cole on top of the light, turned it off (black), and spread the other ninjas all over his dresser. The next morning, no comment, nothing.

Some version of this has gone on almost every night and every morning.  I just don't understand why he isn't waking up every morning with bated breath excited to share the news that the Ninja's battled through the night and So-n-so won!  Nothing.  So I've watched/studied him more intently and purposeful these past weeks to try and understand what is going on.

Does he not "believe"?  I think he does because he's made random comments throughout the day like "Lloyd won Dad" and it won't hit me until later that may have referenced the Night-time Ninja Battle.  Does he not care?  I think he does because even last night when Cole pulled the nightlight down and crushed the other ninja's with it, Miles woke up concerned it was completely dark in his room.  When I came in and showed him what had happened he smiled and climbed back into bed requesting Lloyd take over watch.

The answer I've come to is that we are different, just that, nothing more.  I'm more sensitive and often times find myself playing in a world where magic and wonderment are required.  Miles' play usually centers more around building things that are real.  Lego sets, paper airplanes, race cars made of boxes.  He also loves to play games so that he can win - such a competitive little dude.  So, in lieu of this discovery about me and my son being different but the same, I've learned (once again) that is the drill with all of us.  Nothing more, nothing less.  If I can remember and embrace this just a little more than most, I think I'll find some really amazing windows and doors into new ways to see and live my life.

Thanks Mi-Ti...

First call to Uncle Vin

Lily was riding her scooter at the park, hit a huge crack while coasting down a small hill and flipped over the front. First big wipe out. Per the protocol, I was able to manage the situation by talking about Uncle Vin, how brave he is and how proud he would be if she were to get right back on. She did.

When we got home she asked to call and tell him her story. They exchanged words like two vets and I could see her badge of courage solidifying itself on her chest. When they got off the phone she grabbed a wet towel, wiped her knees and asked for the medicine. I went to apply and she said, "I got it".

My mouth is permanently frozen in the open position, with a slight smile coming off the corners. She learned so much today about herself, her Uncle Vin and the power of getting up after you fall and trying again.

Pay attention David.

Tomareo is today

Woke up this morning to this. As stated yesterday by my wise 7 year old daughter, so far she was spot on...

Tomareo will be beter

Today hurt. I struggled to find flow, confidence, courage and joy. I got stuck in anger and stress and doubt and fear. I took things too seriously, too personally. I took ownership of far more than I should. With me that's a defense mechanism. It protects me from being told I failed.

Fortunately I'm surrounded by a few who care. A few who tried to pick me up and would do more if they could. A family who gave me space but filled it with love. I don't deserve that for sure.

My daughter had a rough day too. Julie encouraged her to write about it. She did and felt better. We both write every night in a "Happiness Journal" a friend gave me and tonight she wrote, "Today was not a good day, but tomareo will be beter". She drew a sad face. I wrote, "me too" adding tear drops coming from the "oo"s. She laughed, I did too.

Two boys led the way...

Every 6 months or so we get together with a group of local people who all adopted children from Ethiopia. These are great people and I love their seeing their children, but I have this terrible tendency to want to avoid social situations like this where I have to meet new people and socialize. It's really odd because most of the time I come away from events like this, finding some kind of magic, and today was no exception.

One of the women who has been coordinating this brought in 5 people from Ethiopia to begin the day with some cultural education. We watched a coffee making ceremony and learned the significance it has to bringing people together. They taught us how to write our children's names in Amharic. They prepared Ethiopian food and my favorite part is they taught us to dance.

At some point in the meal a 9 year old boy came and sat at our table in between me and another boy his age. I hadn't seen him at these gatherings before so I asked Julie and she told me he has only been in the states with his family for 6 months. CRAY. So I struck up a conversation with him and his friend. I asked them what grade they were in, letting them know I was only in the 5th grade myself. I asked they played any sports, letting them know my brother Miles and I just started playing basketball. We carried on chatting for a while and they continually called my bluff while my kids jumped in to confirm my true age. We were ALL smiling and laughing.

After lunch, the boys took Miles and went up on this little stage to dance while I found myself sitting at the table alone with a total stranger. I had briefly met her while putting on our name tags where I mentioned to Lily that I was writing my name in my favorite color and before I could say blue, this woman said "Packer green?" So I asked her if she came all the way from Wisconsin just for this and she told me a story that lit me up...

She is a member of a Facebook group where people share information about adopted children to learn if there are other biological siblings adopted in the US or additional information like that. She told me one day a post came up that asked if there was anyone who adopted a child with really specific information: Ethiopian full name, birthday and adopted by a single mother... it was her. She responded to the post and discovered that her daughter was the younger sister of one of the boys I was chatting with at lunch. Both families learned information about their children's stories they didn't know before. She told me that she always thought she was going to adopt again but when this happened, these strangers were now family, and that was that.

By now, the boys came back and asked me to come dance with them. I was so inspired, I did. THEY LED ME up on stage and GUIDED ME to the front and center, even asked me to face the room. I LOOKED TO THEM FOR DIRECTION and they expected me to let go and dance, I did. The room began clapping in unison for us, before long there were several other kids on stage who weren't before and we were ALL smiling and laughing. A room full of strangers coming together, led into dance by 2 young boys. Humbling.

The song ended but the energy continued. We were connected now and it was the magic of community. I was lost in the moment and reminded once again how much I love connecting with children - it's why I went into education. Eventually it was time to go and I walked around saying goodbyes to everyone I saw like I had known them for years. Today I relearned a lesson for the ump-teenth time. Know your tendencies the good and bad ones. Lean against the bad and watch the good take over. If you do this more, you might just find some kind of Beauty In The Everyday life.

Thank you N and S, you 2 boys are well on your way to changing the world one schlep like me at a time.

The power of energy...

Mass attracts mass, energy works in the same way - today I got some of this good shit. My morning started with a great discussion around solving a problem. I LOVE those convo's. We got into a great flow. Me with my abstract concepts, what if's and can we's. The other intently listening with an OPEN mind, a strong core and insatiably curious questions. Walked out with energy galore.

Then, spent some time with a crazy one who is more deeply connected to me than distinct but our distinction is really complimentary to one another making us a better team than individuals. We stumbled onto a thought that continues to bring clarity around a very exciting project we're working on.

I drove to a company meeting where I watched people come together from all departments and participate in the concept we believe in around MOVING physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually TOGETHER. It's really humbling that anyone shows up and not something Kevin and I take lightly. Left that meeting having ate Vegemite for the first time: a consistency like tar the saltiest thing I've ever tasted and on cloud 9.

Ended the work day talking with the same crazy from earlier to add the cherry on top. Headed home and plugged my phone in so that I could give my kids a little of the energy others gave to me today. Sure enough, they gave me more than I gave them and now I'm sitting with a natural buzz you can't get from any pill or drug.

Remember David, your energy attracts the same. Are you giving the good shit or just shit? Be awake and aware, days like these are rare.

My Big, Fat...

I'm just getting over an end of the year flu, the 24 hour variety. Always a good reminder for how fragile life is. I'm lucky right now and physically feel good 99.9% of my days. I usually can't imagine life not being healthy, that is until I'm not. Funny huh? On top of that, it's New Year's Eve, another notorious time for reflection.

I decided not to do any long term resolutions, just practice a few disciplines like one might during Lent. I can't say this idea is original, it's actually my version of something two of my brothers have been doing for years. They both give up alcohol during January as a cleansing and checkpoint... discipline. Since I hardly ever drink alcohol, I decided that I was going to stop drinking soda, eating french fries and eating sweet snacks. That's right, I said sweet snacks. For 38 years of my life I really didn't like or give a second thought about eating cookies or sweets and then I did. Fuxinating.

I started about a week ago and so far so good. I definitely felt a sugar withdrawal and was starving for something sweet. So, so weird/crazy/cool how your body acts (read 'Body and Soul Regulations'). But I think I'm over it and enjoying feeling a sense of ownership over a part my physical self and accomplishment over setting a goal and sticking to it. Oddly enough, these little wins make a huge difference.

Ah-ha, there it is, my big fat New Year's resolution is to do this just a little more: set small goals that have a purpose and do it. I welcome ideas or more so your success stories. God knows we all can use enCOuRagEment. Happy 2013, here's to a year we are all awake enough to see more Beauty In The Everyday and when we do, BITE life!