I'm embarrassed to admit that I recently DVR'ed the Joe Schmo Show. I have a fascination with watching what people will do when no one is watching. Another show that is probably more acceptable is "What would you do?" with John Quinones. Back to Schmo... now the Joe knows he's being recorded but he doesn't know that everyone else involved with the show is in on a secret. They are all testing and pushing him to see what he's really made of and this Joe was legit.
The producers and actors presented the Joe with scenarios involving temptations around greed, lust, selfishness, testing integrity, facing fear. And every, EVERY time, he was as solid as an oak tree. Why a tree and not a rock you ask? A rock is lifeless, it just sits there. Where as a tree grows, moves and has life. The Joe wasn't a robot, he didn't just go through the motions of doing the right thing, he was full of emotions. He struggled, he laughed {at himself mostly}, he battled, got angry and lastly got overwhelmed. When they revealed the secret, he wept. I think it was because in that moment he knew he passed the test. He knew that his core was strong AND real because it was there when he didn't know it was being watched.
I have a perpetual fear / insecurity of being found out as a fraud. As hard as I try to live my life "right" (whatever that means), I can't stop worrying about a day I'm presented with a test and fail publicly. Don't get me wrong, I know we all "fail" more than we succeed, but I want to be more comfortable in that. I want realistic expectations of what "right" means. And as crazy as this is going to sound, I got a little more clarity from the Joe, Chase Rogan, an every day average Schmo who just so happens to have a strong core worth making a show about... pretty impressive, not too shabby.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
Competitive Determination
The problem with having children is that they are just all so different. The minute you think you have some parenting thing figured out, one of them goes off and has their own unique personality. Enter the difference between Lily and Miles. Lily has emotional intelligence off the charts, Miles not so much. Miles has a competitive determination, Lily no speaka that language.
We recently realized this in a very real and important way. You see, we couldn't understand why Miles was so blase when he did something wrong. He literally ignores all social queue's that we were upset or disappointed. So after Miles told a nice, big, fat lie at school, we put our realizations to the test. I was going to be overt and purposefully over the top (what's not normal about that right) with my disappointment. My queue's were going to be unmistakable and consistent. Julie was going to be Jiminy Cricket in his ear, telling him what she sees and what he should do about it. I'm still in awe at the thought of this, but it turned out to be a huge step in the right direction (probably for me more than him).
The first day after the big, fat lie, Miles was being extra nice to me despite my furrowed brow and silence. He would snuggle up to me, kiss me, make jokes and acted like nothing was wrong. I finally gave him a verbal warning that I'm still very upset. He slunk down physically and emotionally, Julie was there to coach him. After a few moments he came to me and started babbling his way through an apology. I told him that I wasn't ready and that I wanted him to think more about what he has done and wants to say.
Sure enough the next morning, Miles had forgotten all about the situation he was in and went back to trying to kill me with kindness. Again, my queues were ignored only this time Julie reminded him. I expressed disappointment that he had forgotten what I asked of him and he slunk down. Again, Julie was there to explain what was going on and spent the day talking it through with him and prepping him for my return from work.
That night when I walked in the girls ran up to me like they always do and Miles kept his distance. He approached me after a couple of minutes and asked to talk to me in private. We went up to his room, I sat on his bed and stood in front of me. He took a deep breath, looked me straight in the eyes and began the first genuine, honest, heart felt apology of his 6 year life. It took everything I had to not smile with pride, hug him and congratulate him. Instead, I told him that I really appreciated his apology, that I forgave him and looked forward to building trust with him. One brick at a time.
Miles doesn't quit, he figures stuff out, even emotional shit like this. From the day we got him, this is just who he is. A friend was over at the house and explained how there was this magnet game at the last classroom birthday party that no one could figure out. All the kids had attempted and quit because it was too hard. She explained how Miles worked on it for 45 minutes, moving a step ladder side to side the whole time. There was another time I personally watched him climb a giant 20 foot spider web thing-a-ma-jig that had multiple layers of nylon straps crisscrossing. There were only big kids (10+) playing on it because they could leverage their height to be in multiple layers at once. Miles on the other hand being shorter, figured out a strategy of his own by using the outside netting as leverage. After taking 5 times longer than anyone else, he finally made it to the top sweaty as can be, slid down the slide, gave me a high five and went onto the next challenge.
Thank you Miles for showing me who you are and letting us help you work on the things you aren't. I only wish I had your competitive determination. You are going to change the world one day, I just know it.
We recently realized this in a very real and important way. You see, we couldn't understand why Miles was so blase when he did something wrong. He literally ignores all social queue's that we were upset or disappointed. So after Miles told a nice, big, fat lie at school, we put our realizations to the test. I was going to be overt and purposefully over the top (what's not normal about that right) with my disappointment. My queue's were going to be unmistakable and consistent. Julie was going to be Jiminy Cricket in his ear, telling him what she sees and what he should do about it. I'm still in awe at the thought of this, but it turned out to be a huge step in the right direction (probably for me more than him).
The first day after the big, fat lie, Miles was being extra nice to me despite my furrowed brow and silence. He would snuggle up to me, kiss me, make jokes and acted like nothing was wrong. I finally gave him a verbal warning that I'm still very upset. He slunk down physically and emotionally, Julie was there to coach him. After a few moments he came to me and started babbling his way through an apology. I told him that I wasn't ready and that I wanted him to think more about what he has done and wants to say.
Sure enough the next morning, Miles had forgotten all about the situation he was in and went back to trying to kill me with kindness. Again, my queues were ignored only this time Julie reminded him. I expressed disappointment that he had forgotten what I asked of him and he slunk down. Again, Julie was there to explain what was going on and spent the day talking it through with him and prepping him for my return from work.
That night when I walked in the girls ran up to me like they always do and Miles kept his distance. He approached me after a couple of minutes and asked to talk to me in private. We went up to his room, I sat on his bed and stood in front of me. He took a deep breath, looked me straight in the eyes and began the first genuine, honest, heart felt apology of his 6 year life. It took everything I had to not smile with pride, hug him and congratulate him. Instead, I told him that I really appreciated his apology, that I forgave him and looked forward to building trust with him. One brick at a time.
Miles doesn't quit, he figures stuff out, even emotional shit like this. From the day we got him, this is just who he is. A friend was over at the house and explained how there was this magnet game at the last classroom birthday party that no one could figure out. All the kids had attempted and quit because it was too hard. She explained how Miles worked on it for 45 minutes, moving a step ladder side to side the whole time. There was another time I personally watched him climb a giant 20 foot spider web thing-a-ma-jig that had multiple layers of nylon straps crisscrossing. There were only big kids (10+) playing on it because they could leverage their height to be in multiple layers at once. Miles on the other hand being shorter, figured out a strategy of his own by using the outside netting as leverage. After taking 5 times longer than anyone else, he finally made it to the top sweaty as can be, slid down the slide, gave me a high five and went onto the next challenge.
Thank you Miles for showing me who you are and letting us help you work on the things you aren't. I only wish I had your competitive determination. You are going to change the world one day, I just know it.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Little, Brown, And Proud Of It
Today I asked Lily and Miles to stand back to back. He passed her up, he hit some crazy growth spurt and probably won't look back. Miles celebrated and Lily congratulated. She explained to me how she always knew she'd be small and really likes it. Her words were genuine and honest, they pretty much always are. Here's more validation why I know this for sure...
Friday night she had a "half over" where kids hang out until bed time and then go home. When I picked her up, she showed me a picture her friend had given her but had some perspective to add. She explained that her friends printer was running out of ink and that is why she looks "different". Not really sure what she was talking about, I asked her elaborate. She pointed out how the skin of all 4 girls in the picture looked the same. Fuxinating. I smiled and joked that is what she would look like if she looked like me and she replied, "yuck, I love my brown skin." To which I sincerely and truthfully replied, "yeah, me too."
The sense of self this 7 year old has is baffling. She already knows who she is and isn't. And if that isn't enough, she loves what she knows. I don't know if this is normal for now and eventually she'll end up doubting and loathing like the rest of us, but it sure is inspiring. She helps me be more courageous everyday. It's why one of my core beliefs in life as a parent is to first be a student of your children, then a teacher. Thanks again for showing me the way little child.
Friday night she had a "half over" where kids hang out until bed time and then go home. When I picked her up, she showed me a picture her friend had given her but had some perspective to add. She explained that her friends printer was running out of ink and that is why she looks "different". Not really sure what she was talking about, I asked her elaborate. She pointed out how the skin of all 4 girls in the picture looked the same. Fuxinating. I smiled and joked that is what she would look like if she looked like me and she replied, "yuck, I love my brown skin." To which I sincerely and truthfully replied, "yeah, me too."
The sense of self this 7 year old has is baffling. She already knows who she is and isn't. And if that isn't enough, she loves what she knows. I don't know if this is normal for now and eventually she'll end up doubting and loathing like the rest of us, but it sure is inspiring. She helps me be more courageous everyday. It's why one of my core beliefs in life as a parent is to first be a student of your children, then a teacher. Thanks again for showing me the way little child.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Bad words...
Lily and I write in a Daily Happiness Journal every night. It's been a really good small little discipline to think about one thing from the day that made us happy. Tonight she wrote, (and I first quote, "Daddy this is going to make you cry.") "I went to dinner with my Dad's Mommy and Daddy." I wrote, "So cool!" (making the two "o's" into the eyes of a smily face.)
She then told me about how some kids at school laugh when the word "class" is spelled because of the word "ass" in it. I was now smiling for real and asked, "what's ass mean?" Lily said "butt" while maintaining a straight face. She expanded stating that any word containing "ass" like grass, mass, sassafras makes the kids giggle.
I asked what other "bad" words she knows... stupid, hate, kill, dumb came out quick. Imagine that, those are what she considers bad. What the fuck happened to me that those words lost their "badness"? How different would our world be if those were in fact words we bleeped out on TV shows? Children (especially mine :-) have an uncanny way of putting things into perspective.
Here's my separate Happiness Journal entry:
Today I'm humbled by the wisdom of my 7 year old. She makes me a better person each and every day.
She then told me about how some kids at school laugh when the word "class" is spelled because of the word "ass" in it. I was now smiling for real and asked, "what's ass mean?" Lily said "butt" while maintaining a straight face. She expanded stating that any word containing "ass" like grass, mass, sassafras makes the kids giggle.
I asked what other "bad" words she knows... stupid, hate, kill, dumb came out quick. Imagine that, those are what she considers bad. What the fuck happened to me that those words lost their "badness"? How different would our world be if those were in fact words we bleeped out on TV shows? Children (especially mine :-) have an uncanny way of putting things into perspective.
Here's my separate Happiness Journal entry:
Today I'm humbled by the wisdom of my 7 year old. She makes me a better person each and every day.
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Unbearable and Supernatural
Friday was one for the books. A dear friend of mine came to share some serious magic shit with me. While we've only known each other for some 7 years, we've grown up together.
I met this person early in my professional career. I was SO young and naive and unclear and... not a leader of myself first and foremost. We went through a lot of shit together and alone. We built each other up and tore each other down. We agreed to be truth tellers and sought for that truth to come from love but it wasn't always that easy, that's where the depth of our friendship came. Truth hurts AND it sets you free, poison and wine.
Near the end of our day to day time together, things got really tough. We'd both realized one of our paths needed to change. This was not the easy choice, doing the right thing usually isn't. It would have been so much easier, and even probably been 'OK', had we not done anything at all. But that is not what either of us want for ourselves and each other. We want purpose, happiness, fulfillment, joy... and the truth was, making the decision to go after that was one of the hardest things I've had to do in my professional career.
That is until Friday when it came full circle and I saw first hand how the choice to face your fear can bring a new life. Words couldn't begin to describe the energy and change that happened in a little over a month. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but then again it felt perfect and right. My friend changed their life, grabbed the chronic pain by the throat and said "enough". My friend came to officially say goodbye but ended up leaving a lifelong lasting mark on my soul. The pain involved in facing your shit is unbearable and the courage is supernatural. I got a front row seat at this fellow builders journey and for that I will be forever grateful.
Thank you my friend and good luck. Don't stop believing that this life can give you more than we deserve and you deserve every bit of it.
I met this person early in my professional career. I was SO young and naive and unclear and... not a leader of myself first and foremost. We went through a lot of shit together and alone. We built each other up and tore each other down. We agreed to be truth tellers and sought for that truth to come from love but it wasn't always that easy, that's where the depth of our friendship came. Truth hurts AND it sets you free, poison and wine.
Near the end of our day to day time together, things got really tough. We'd both realized one of our paths needed to change. This was not the easy choice, doing the right thing usually isn't. It would have been so much easier, and even probably been 'OK', had we not done anything at all. But that is not what either of us want for ourselves and each other. We want purpose, happiness, fulfillment, joy... and the truth was, making the decision to go after that was one of the hardest things I've had to do in my professional career.
That is until Friday when it came full circle and I saw first hand how the choice to face your fear can bring a new life. Words couldn't begin to describe the energy and change that happened in a little over a month. I couldn't believe what I was hearing but then again it felt perfect and right. My friend changed their life, grabbed the chronic pain by the throat and said "enough". My friend came to officially say goodbye but ended up leaving a lifelong lasting mark on my soul. The pain involved in facing your shit is unbearable and the courage is supernatural. I got a front row seat at this fellow builders journey and for that I will be forever grateful.
Thank you my friend and good luck. Don't stop believing that this life can give you more than we deserve and you deserve every bit of it.
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