I'm mental but too crazy to know it

My world as I knew it has recently been turned upside down. A couple of days before my wife and I were going to Ethiopia to get our daughter I started to get a sore throat, feel generally sick and consequently stopped eating and sleeping. The morning of our flight my mind began taking over with thoughts of fear and anxiety -

What if I get sick on the flight over?
What if I get more sick and they don't let me in the country?
What if I get sick in the country and need medical care?
Etc. Etc. Etc.

This thought process took over my ability to think rationally especially when I my body continued to show signs of not being well. So much so that when we got to the airport, I was feeling so sick (and scared about being sick) that my wife and I decided I should stay home.

WHAT THE F*CK! Are you kidding me? Is this really happening to me? Am I really going to abandon my wife at the airport and send her to a third world country all by herself to pick up our daughter? I must be loosing my mind.

Long story short, I kind of did. For years I have been bottling up anxiety and stress in unhealthy ways that when I was faced with a "big" situation, my body shut down as a defense mechanism because it could no longer handle the load. I have ignored the symptoms of stress / anxiety and also have not coped with the issues for 20+ years. The jig is up - time to face the truth.

What's the truth, I'm not really sure yet, but I do know this. How we process and deal with life affects our health and well-being. Ignoring things, blowing them off, not talking about how you are feeling, not being honest with yourself and the important people in your life - this can all lead to your body literally saying "no more".

I'm on my way to figuring out how to live a balanced, healthy, honest life. The key ingrediant is my wife. I've hidden my true self from her for years for fear she would be over-burdened by my crazy ways of thinking and dealing with stuff. For the first time in a long time, I'm letting her into my mental world and its scary but freeing as well. She is my rock, I can't imagine not having her as my partner working through rewiring my approach to stress and life in general.

So what happened with my wife and daughter? About 30 minutes before the flight took off, up walks my younger brother Kevin wearing a fleece sweatshirt and jeans with his passport in his back pocket. I looked at him and asked what he was doing - he said, "I'm going with your wife to pick up your daughter, everything is going to be OK. Go take care of yourself, I got this." And off they went.

I don't think many people in life get to truly experience first hand what it's like to have someone save your life. But at that moment, for me, it was a life or death decision that I go or don't go. My brother dove on the grenade so that I didn't have to go there - he gave me no option - let me off the hook so to speak. Now I still haven't let myself off the hook but I do know that I have never seen a more selfless act in all of my life here on earth and to walk around feeling sorry for myself would only deminish what he did for me.

Be well everyone, be well.
David

Soldier Ready

I have to do something this next week that I wouldn't normally want to do. For one, I'm traveling - hate traveling any time, to go any where. Two, it's over a 20 hour flight. Three, it's not the nicest of places. Four, I hate traveling.

Why am I doing this? I'm bringing home my Stella.

When we decided to adopt again and began narrowing our country of focus - these necessities I mentioned above weighed heavy on me. However, we felt in our hearts this is where our daughter was and we moved forward.

As the day to go get her has gotten closer and the reality of what we are doing - where we are going - has become a reality, my emotions were all over the place. However, I was given perspective yesterday that has focused me completely.

My brother said that I have to look at this like a rescue mission. You need to go over there, get your daughter and bring her home safe and sound. Something clicked with this mindset. All of the "woe is me" feelings I was having were completely overshadowed by the sense of immediacy and importance of what I needed to do.

While I by no means am claiming to have the honor and dignity of a true soldier, this is my calling - this is my objective - this is my mission. I am ready to put my self, my feelings, my wants, wishes and comforts aside to do my part. Am I nervous - yes... do I wish there was an easier way - hell yes... is there anything that will stop me - only God calling me home.

I won't be posting for a week or so because I'll be on my mission and then after that, I'll be falling madly in love with my new little baby girl.

BITE life

Rough Stuff

My son is all boy. A special treat for him is playing rough since we are constantly trying to teach him not to be rough or hit others. Almost every night when I come home from work he will say, "I was a good boy today Dad, we get to play rough stuff."

When he actually was a good boy and gets to do play rough with me - O.M.G. he is happier then a tree frog in May. He laughs the whole time and sweats like none other so I let him take off his shirt which leads to him wanting to take off his pants too.

Lily joins in to a degree which is actually really good for her "rule following mind", but she is definitely more interested in controlling the flow of play. "Daddy, lets imagine that I'm the princess and you are the Monster and Miles is my prince." All the while I'm throwing pillows at the both of them, Miles laughing uncontrollably, Lily pleading to stop and listen. My rules during rough stuff - no rules - so you can imagine for my son that is heaven and for my daughter, well it's learning time.

Come to think of it, rough stuff is my sweet spot too because seeing my son so happy, so alive, so full of joy - it just does it for me.

BITE life

Perfect

My 4 year old daughter is already showing pseudo-OCD tendacies (blankets need to be perfect in bed, crayons lined up when coloring, no kissing when someone is sick). She is a rule follower more then OCD but I'm sure part of her behavior is most likely a result of how me and her mother run our household in regards to cleanliness, order and structure.

There was a period of about 2 - 3 weeks where she was obsessed with having the bed (a shoe box) for her stuffed animal guinea pig (aka Mini) set up "perfect". Sometimes the little napkins wouldn't sit right or the mini toys weren't staying where they were supposed to and it would bring her to high levels of frustation and even tears.

What's beautiful about children (and especially my daughter) is that we are able to teach them and help form their thinking, and generally they accept that. Case in point, now when we say something is "perfect", regarless of the context we are speaking, she corrects us and says, "Nothing is perfect, just try your best."

Wise kid eh? I think she IS perfect.

How much do you love me?

Sorry for the hiatus from blogging, I got insecure about a couple of different things, but now I'm good.

I give my kids a bath usually every other day (or so). It's a fun way for us to connect since I really only see them for a couple of hours every day during the week. They both do something that cracks me up but to me there is deeper meaning behind their actions.

When it's their turn to get washed, I lay them down on their back to get their hair wet. When I stand them up to wash their hair and body, water starts to fall from their head across their face. Without fail they will take their face and rub it on whatever shirt I'm wearing to keep the water from going in their eyes. 55% of the time there is no reason to do this.

When this first happened about 2 years ago, my daughter Lily was only 2 and much more afraid of water on the face and in the eyes. I'll never forget when she started crying because she was sure the water would hurt. I instinctually grabbed her and pulled her close and rubbed her face on my shirt. She looked at me with surprise because she could see I was soaked. When I didn't react negatively, she was perplexed in a 2 year old kind of way. From that day on, it's become our little love test.

How much does Daddy love me? How willing is he to make sure I'm OK? Let's just say, I'm all in.